Category: Dating & Relationships

March 27, 2013

On Examples of Love: Rihanna & Chris Brown

I am fascinated and disgusted by the never ending story of defiled pop-prince, Chris Brown, and our damaged pop-princess, Rihanna. I really can’t help but rubberneck their train wreck of a relationship.

This morning, I came across an article outlining a Chris Brown interview on the Ryan Seacrest radio show on March 26th, 2013. He was supposedly honest and open about his immaturity as someone in their late teens unable to control their emotions. But as I grazed the article, my stomach turned because I’d heard it all before. Between leaked of photos of Rihanna’s beaten face, a horrible swarm of stories about court dates, and then a myriad of articles about how each had “moved on” it was all to clear that something more was brewing.

An Oprah’s Next Chapter episode (aired August 19, 2012) featuring Rihanna solidified for me that they weren’t anywhere near the end with an admission of her love for a man that was currently taken by another. Twitter feuds ensued and media companies got their bounty from what should really have been a private and personal exploration of self, love, and self-love.

Statistics show more often than not, that abused women return to their abuser. They return for a number of reasons (love notes, death threats, fear of starting new, all of the above) none of which are clear cut and straightforward. Rihanna’s inability to live without Chris (and to love without Chris) isn’t surprising, but it is realistic. I watch her story as a woman in my late-twenties very differently than I watched Bobby & Whitney when I was 14 years old. They were horrendous, and fascinating. I despised and yearned for a love like that, you know? Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.

And now, while I want to applaud the honesty of Rihanna and Whitney, Chris and Bobby, I simply can’t. Similarly, as I re-read the aforementioned Carrie Bradshaw quote from Sex and the City, American Girl in Paris Part Deux, I am overwhelmed by how unstable our examples of love are.

March 13, 2013

On Learning How to Relate

I’ll be honest: being a princess is much easier than being understanding.

As an only child, I quickly learned to filter the things that were important to me from the things I chose to care a bit less about. The things that took priority were my parents, my dog, my books, and myself. To this day, I still feel off-kilter if I don’t get my daily family update; I still read books from cover to cover; and I still relish going to the theatre just to say “one ticket please”.

Suddenly it’s not just me anymore, and as an only child (and self-proclaimed princess), I’m learning how to say “for two.”

Para dos. Pour deux. Per due. Para dois. Dla dwóch osób. برای دو نفر Für zwei.

This language lesson is not for nothing. The more malleable my tongue, then the more flexible my mind. The more flexible my mind, then the more I’ll be able to relate. The more I learn how to relate in a relationship, the more comfortable we’ll become. And with every step towards comfort, the more I’ll replay this song below.

So, as admitted before, I’m not the most understanding person… but I’m working on it.

February 14, 2013

A Valentine’s Day Lament

I’ve always felt a certain amount of disdain for discomfort in Valentine’s Day… The amount of pressure that lies on the head of this day is truly beyond my ability to comprehend.

If you’re single, you do one of two things:

Option 1: You spend the day having cocktails with your other single girl friends – toasting to being (you guessed it) single.
Option 2: You eat ice cream from the carton and drink wine from the bottle in front of the TV.

If you’re taken, you spend ages planning for an expensive dinner and buying expensive gifts for a day that, in my opinion, means nothing special.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love the colors red and pink, I sign almost everything with an xx or an xo, and there was once a time I signed all my blog pots with “♥”. And I love love. I really do – it’s even in my twitter profile. But I love those things every day, not just once a year on 2/14.

I grappled with how to reconcile my feelings about Valentine’s Day side by side with my having a boyfriend this year. Clearly, as I write this post with a furrowed brow and a confused face, I still haven’t figured it out but I can at least tell you my plans:

Tonight, I’ll spend Valentine’s Day with My Honey, only because I want to see his face and he wants to see mine. We’ll go to a nice restaurant in Queens. I’ll get a little fancy just because, and we’ll toast to what’s to come. I have no interest in heart-shaped boxes filled with chocolates or expensive gifts on this day because for me, that’s not the point. I want for nothing more than him (and perhaps some grocery store flowers) and he wants for nothing more than me (and perhaps a nice cold beverage). And because we’re an imperfect pair, we’ll probably drink one too many beers and stumble home in laughter together – just like we’d do any other day. And that’s what’s important, enjoying each other today and every day.

Happy Valentine’s Day (and every day) to you and yours.

xx, xo, and ♥,
Mai

February 6, 2013

I Love to Watch You Leave

love is the new black It was under the haze of a few beers and the glow of the grill that my boyfriend and I shared a private kiss at a house party last summer. We had escaped to the patio for a little quiet, and a little smoochin’. When I turned to go back inside, he said “I hate to see you go, but I love to watch you leave.”

“Okay, ya creep!” I called out as I sashayed through the door with a wink.

It wasn’t until months later, when I accidentally caught a (semi) private moment between a couple on the N train, that I understood what he meant. The couple shared a joke, a kiss goodbye, and as she left, this woman’s boyfriend watched her walk of the train, and kept his eyes on her until she was past his line of vision. His face was calm, soft, and there was a slight trace of a smile through the corners of his mouth. He really did love to watch her leave.

It got me thinking about this moment in other instances of life. I have vivid memories of being dropped off by parents, a friend, or an old boyfriend at various locations. Without fail, I’d hear: “I’ll wait here to make sure you get in safe”, no matter the time of day. When driving myself, my parents still walk me out to my car and wave their goodbyes until I’m beyond their sight. And when you put the idea of “watching you leave” like that… well, I suppose there’s comfort in the idea that someone loves to watch me reach my next destination. And, as someone who gives herself completely, it’s important for me to be able to return that gesture.

What about you – do you have someone you love to watch leave?

December 30, 2012

Labels of Luxury & Labels of Love

My mother recently gifted me the most incredible collection of Coach bags. They’re lovely and worn from her running around town in her 30′s & 40′s, collecting bags she assumed would be classic in years to come. When I told her these bags were being re-released in a Legacy Collection, she frowned. “I wore these at your age! This is the real deal, my little cookie cutter”*

Most of the label hangtags from her bags are missing. I imagine because she wore the bag to wear it, not to flaunt it. Often, when I wear them, I long for the classic leather label to dangle off the side. It’s a symbol of authenticity, regardless if it’s small size. It says to me: this right here? This is the real deal.

It’s funny, the emphasis I put on material labels, and the leniency I used to practice when it came to relationship labels. I used to pretend I wasn’t bothered by a man’s hesitation to “wife me up.” Through a strained smile I’d say things like “he’s a nice guy,” or “he’d never intentionally hurt me.” I’d go months in these situationships thinking patience and good behavior would win in the end and I’d be asked the 3 little words I longed to hear: wanna go steady. Even in a recent episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta, the women gave advice to poor Kenya (who wants nothing but a ring) to be patient, not-uppity, and that he’d come around.

For me, it took the brutal honesty of a girlfriend to bring me to tears at brunch (I’d like to blame it on the bellinis) to shape up, and realize that for me, labels of love are just as important as labels of luxury.

My boyfriend spent Christmas in Weston with my family. The older generations introduced him to order family members as “Maiah’s friend.” I often found myself fighting the urge to correct them. Boyfriend. My boyfriend. But when my grandmother said, “I like your fella very much,” I knew I didn’t have to. “You look at him like you look at the world” my mother said before we left for 2 nights in Boston, just the two of us. The way I imagine my mother looks at my father. The real deal.

*Mom’s nicknames are different daily. Cookie cutter one day, buttercup or cupcake the next.

November 22, 2012

On giving thanks

It’s 9:30am on Thanksgiving morning, 2012. I sit in the kitchen while my father is getting much need rest and my mother is getting much needed circulars detailing Black Friday deals. I have just finished a bowl of Cream of Wheat (a childhood favorite and such a holiday treat), and I sip coffee out of an Allen Farm Sheep & Wool Company mug. The mug is green, my favorite of the colors the mug is offered in. My boyfriend is at his mother’s house, where he spent all of Wednesday prepping a meal for a queen. My friends are celebrating with their loved ones as well, and even those with complications, are comfortable with a roof over there head.

We are blessed. So on this day, I am thankful. Here is a small list of things (I often take for granted) that I am thankful for today:

Warmth, lodging, security, safety & sunsets
My company offers up to 5 paid days off for us to volunteer at any non-profit agency of our choice. All equally impactful, the memory that still haunts me is that of a homeless woman breaking down in tears after I presented her with a comforter. “Warmth” was the one word that escaped through her tears. Oh, the things we take for granted. I am behind lucky to have a roof, heat, and a gorgeous view of the Manhattan skyline, offering some of the most beautiful sunsets this side of the east river.

The ability to travel
Trips to Martha’s Vineyard are a highlight of this year. Having summered there through my childhood, rekindling friendships and re-familiarizing myself with a place I used to call home is priceless. And the fact that I’ve been able to experience it with this guy makes my heart swell.

My forever forgiving family
I don’t call enough, I’m horrible at returning emails, my brow is often furrowed, and it can be hard for me to forgive. How lucky am I to have the family I do, who love me for me, even the wonky bits. (In fact, my father just burped and I burped in response. Family.)

Food, food, food
Between my chef beau, my foodie colleague, and my dinner dates with friends, I eat. Not only am I thankful for good food, but I’m thankful for how it brings people together. To break bread and share a toast means a lot to me.

I’m a lucky girl. What are you thankful for?

For more info on traveling to Martha’s Vineyard, check out Dwellable

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October 16, 2012

On celebrating love, and other notes

From the moment I realized boys were cute and not gross, my first inclination was to like The Bad Boy. My heart went to A.J. when I listened to Backstreet Boys on repeat until my CD skipped, then to JC when I decided NSYNC was cooler anyway (clearly, I was in error). There was also Diddy, who I realize is not a bad boy at all, and D’Angelo, who was probably very nice except for when he forgot his pants. My love for bad boys escalated to a new level when I snuck out of high school to see Westlife perform at the mall. Upon getting in trouble I screamed at my mother “it was worth every minute!” (kids, a warning, don’t scream such things at your parents).

This bad boy obsession penetrated my dating life as an “adult”. I know I’m not the only one. Through college and into the real life, we aways fell for the men we were supposed to stay away from. Relationships were actually situationships, complication was normal, and broken hearts became currency. When I’d finally hit a wall, I opened my heart up to the possibilities, and so far, am pleasantly surprised at how wonderful the “right” kind of man can be.

So, when my dear friend Ashley got engaged, we celebrated! I’d watched her go through similar ups and downs with an ex, then fall in love with the man who captured her heart. Over lunch one day, we talked about what felt like excessive celebration to her. “There’s so much champagne!” she lamented with a wink. Between the toasts, hugs, notes of congratulations, and engagement parties, it felt like perhaps there was too much celebrating going on.

The thing is – I think every bump along the love rollercoaster is just another badge on your girl scout sash to carry with pride. It’s no longer realistic to believe that we’re going to fall in love with our first boyfriends because life never looks the way we expect or hope it to. We should all be so lucky, after all of the ups and downs, to find love. That love (and a bomb-ass-ring) is something to be celebrated. I truly believe engagement parties go beyond enjoying a new union that works. They are a celebration of finding your pace. Of learning what you deserve. Of saying goodbye to the dudes who don’t deserve your time. And of finding someone man enough to treat you that way.

So here’s to Ashley, and my other girl (or ghurl) friends who have recently gotten engaged. Well deserved and many cheers to you.

July 5, 2012

Living like Frank

Honesty is the new black. Made instantly popular by Anderson Cooper‘s coming out to America, but rounded off by Frank Ocean’s letter of thanks that is blowing minds across the globe.

It’s fitting, really, to happen around Independence Day – claiming your independence through words. I find this concept to be incredibly romantic, and wonderfully… honest.

The power of words is beyond what words can describe. So, perhaps I want to say thank you, Frank Ocean, for using your words in the most beautiful way.

https://twitter.com/Frank_Ocean_/status/221021294907498496

What I appreciate most about Frank’s letter is that he’s enforcing an openness in the hip hop community that doesn’t exist. It’s normal to hear homophobic slurs throughout the songs this generation is releasing, but it’s not normal to hear anyone declare their sexuality unless it has to do with bagging mad hoes.

Frank brings a fresh take to the industry on many levels. His album, nostalgia, ULTRA is groundbreaking. It’s a new sound to, what was for me, a tired industry. Aside from the music (which is fantastic), the lyrics are breathtaking throughout. This is how I feel about Frank’s letter.

I’ll be interested to see how the industry breathes through these developments. But in the meantime, I’ll be appreciating the glow of honest words and letting burdens go.

June 17, 2012

Having A Man In Your Life: The Best & The Worst

Girls are stupid. If we don’t know this yet then I’d like to publicly declare: girls are dumb (so are boys but that’s not the point of this post).
As women, our lives completely change based on the inclusion of a special someone. There are good changes, and horrendous ones – and as women, all we can do is go with the flow because it’s completely beyond our control.

Here are a few of my favorites (and least favorites):

The Bad: Thinking He’ll Keep You Warm
We walk around the city in the smallest outfits, without something to keep us warm. First thought: him! He’ll keep me warm! Sure, he’s likely larger than you, stronger than you, and perhaps by default he gives off more body heat than you, but he’s not a sweater. He’s not a scarf, and while he may drape his arm around you, he is not your blanket.

The Bad: I Don’t Need A Wallet
Yes you do, homegirl. Despite a man’s inherit want to make us feel financially secure, you should always have your own funds. Aside from being independent in this way, you’ll make him feel special when you sneakily pay for the bill (even if he pretends he’s upset about it).

The Good: Sugar Daddy Day!
It’s my favorite holiday! The best part about it – it can happen any time I/he wants! Sugar Daddy Day! What a treat! Sorry, too excited and forgot to explain: Sugar Daddy Day (SDD) is a day where your man pretends he has trillions of dollars and treats you to everything and anything you want. I know, I know. I just said don’t forget your wallet, but sometimes a lady needs a treat. Besides, let’s not front, there is something sexy about a man who can take care of you monetarily.

The Good: Missing Him
This one is bittersweet. It’s a total whirlwind when you meet someone you miss when he’s not around. It’s slightly painful, but at the same time, it’s a good indicator that the person you are dating is good to have around. The minute he leaves and your hand reaches for the spot where he just was, you know you’re in deep. But what’s even better? Knowing he’s missing you too.

Xx,
M

June 11, 2012

Mine

This weekend I attended the wedding of my Martha’s Vineyard brother, Owen, and my new Martha’s Vineyard sister-in-law, Erica. I’ve been looking forward to their wedding all year, especially having grown up with Owen, and knowing what a special person Erica must be to have captured his heart.

The thing I loved most about this weekend of love (besides the lobster rolls and sea air) was the intimacy and honesty throughout. Between the love, the romance, the shared secrets, and the jubilation , I was over the moon. Here are 3 things I took away from the weekend of #OwenLovesErica.

You Are My Business
We all practice being strong and independent but at the end of the day, it’s comforting to have someone looking out for your well being. I suppose it makes me old fashioned to want to belong to someone, and want someone to belong to me. I was surrounded by these long loves on the Vineyard this weekend that served as inspiration. My mother’s friend and her husband have been married for 43 years and danced the night away like they were my age. The next day at breakfast, the husband complained of a sore back from too much dancing and his wife suggested he walked around and stretched. He joked “why don’t you mind your own business” and she replied, “you ARE my business.” What a perfect response.

Epic Wedding Bands are for Lovers
The band at this wedding was incredible. If only they’d slipped in a stank face and a singing fist, they would have been invincible. It made me realize, while having a DJ is fun, there’s nothing like a wedding band going H.A.M. on Jay-Z’s Empire State of Mind.

Vows Are Meant To Be Personal
I used to want to say the same words every other couple is prompted to say at their wedding. And then I went to Owen and Erica’s. Your relationship is personal, it’s unique and exciting, and the people at your wedding want to see that. Personal vows help us catch a glimpse of your inner workings (ahem, “Boom boom”) and helps us see why you work as a pair.