Tagged: Dating

On Examples of Love: Rihanna & Chris Brown

I am fascinated and disgusted by the never ending story of defiled pop-prince, Chris Brown, and our damaged pop-princess, Rihanna. I really can’t help but rubberneck their train wreck of a relationship.

The 55th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Backstage And Audience

This morning, I came across an article outlining a Chris Brown interview on the Ryan Seacrest radio show on March 26th, 2013. He was supposedly honest and open about his immaturity as someone in their late teens unable to control their emotions. But as I grazed the article, my stomach turned because I’d heard it all before. Between leaked of photos of Rihanna’s beaten face, a horrible swarm of stories about court dates, and then a myriad of articles about how each had “moved on” it was all to clear that something more was brewing.

An Oprah’s Next Chapter episode (aired August 19, 2012) featuring Rihanna solidified for me that they weren’t anywhere near the end with an admission of her love for a man that was currently taken by another. Twitter feuds ensued and media companies got their bounty from what should really have been a private and personal exploration of self, love, and self-love.

Statistics show more often than not, that abused women return to their abuser. They return for a number of reasons (love notes, death threats, fear of starting new, all of the above) none of which are clear cut and straightforward. Rihanna’s inability to live without Chris (and to love without Chris) isn’t surprising, but it is realistic. I watch her story as a woman in my late-twenties very differently than I watched Bobby & Whitney when I was 14 years old. They were horrendous, and fascinating. I despised and yearned for a love like that, you know? Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.

And now, while I want to applaud the honesty of Rihanna and Whitney, Chris and Bobby, I simply can’t. Similarly, as I re-read the aforementioned Carrie Bradshaw quote from Sex and the City, American Girl in Paris Part Deux, I am overwhelmed by how unstable our examples of love are.

On Learning How to Relate

I’ll be honest: being a princess is much easier than being understanding.

As an only child, I quickly learned to filter the things that were important to me from the things I chose to care a bit less about. The things that took priority were my parents, my dog, my books, and myself. To this day, I still feel off-kilter if I don’t get my daily family update; I still read books from cover to cover; and I still relish going to the theatre just to say “one ticket please”.

Suddenly it’s not just me anymore, and as an only child (and self-proclaimed princess), I’m learning how to say “for two.”

Para dos. Pour deux. Per due. Para dois. Dla dwóch osób. برای دو نفر Für zwei.

This language lesson is not for nothing. The more malleable my tongue, then the more flexible my mind. The more flexible my mind, then the more I’ll be able to relate. The more I learn how to relate in a relationship, the more comfortable we’ll become. And with every step towards comfort, the more I’ll replay this song below.

So, as admitted before, I’m not the most understanding person… but I’m working on it.

When I Was Young

Dad, Maiah, and Mom
When I was young I didn’t have a care in the world. I suppose that’s the charm of being a kid; your biggest concern is when Blue’s Clues is coming on and wondering how many green polo shirts Steve had in his closet.

When I was young I went to Kingsbury Hill Riding Camp. I was fearless when it came to the horses, to making friends, and making memories. I fell in love with the meanest horse, and proudly proclaimed my summers were filled with horses, flies, and shoveling poop. I didn’t care if someone turned their nose up at those attributes to my summer, and perhaps not caring is a perk of being young.

When I was young I loved to swim. I learned to swim in a pool with my grandma, who took me to my swimming lessons at the Y. Growing up summering on Martha’s Vineyard meant that I loved the ocean. I loved the beach. I loved sand in my hair, bathing suit, and between my toes.

When I was young I loved to talk on the phone. My first “boyfriend” used to call me after 9pm, which was a huge no-no in my house; he had to call before 8. Regardless, we would talk for hours and hours about nothing and everything. We would talk until one of us fell asleep and we would say things like: “I’m looking at the same stars you are,” and that was all we needed. I suppose that’s the simplicity of youth in dating.

There is such beauty in the simplicity of being young. As I approach my 30′s, I find myself returning to that carefree mindset that we lose quite abruptly as we navigate our teens and early 20′s. Things I loved turned to things I hated in an effort to be cool during my most turbulent years. Now, as I embrace being older, I’m embracing not giving a fuck. It’s liberating, and just as exciting as being 11 and waiting for the mail to come on Blue’s Clues.

I Love to Watch You Leave

love is the new blackIt was under the haze of a few beers and the glow of the grill that my boyfriend and I shared a private kiss at a house party last summer. We had escaped to the patio for a little quiet, and a little smoochin’. When I turned to go back inside, he said “I hate to see you go, but I love to watch you leave.”

“Okay, ya creep!” I called out as I sashayed through the door with a wink.

It wasn’t until months later, when I accidentally caught a (semi) private moment between a couple on the N train, that I understood what he meant. The couple shared a joke, a kiss goodbye, and as she left, this woman’s boyfriend watched her walk of the train, and kept his eyes on her until she was past his line of vision. His face was calm, soft, and there was a slight trace of a smile through the corners of his mouth. He really did love to watch her leave.

It got me thinking about this moment in other instances of life. I have vivid memories of being dropped off by parents, a friend, or an old boyfriend at various locations. Without fail, I’d hear: “I’ll wait here to make sure you get in safe”, no matter the time of day. When driving myself, my parents still walk me out to my car and wave their goodbyes until I’m beyond their sight. And when you put the idea of “watching you leave” like that… well, I suppose there’s comfort in the idea that someone loves to watch me reach my next destination. And, as someone who gives herself completely, it’s important for me to be able to return that gesture.

What about you – do you have someone you love to watch leave?

Having A Man In Your Life: The Best & The Worst

Girls are stupid. If we don’t know this yet then I’d like to publicly declare: girls are dumb (so are boys but that’s not the point of this post).
girls are stupid As women, our lives completely change based on the inclusion of a special someone. There are good changes, and horrendous ones – and as women, all we can do is go with the flow because it’s completely beyond our control.

Here are a few of my favorites (and least favorites):

The Bad: Thinking He’ll Keep You Warm
We walk around the city in the smallest outfits, without something to keep us warm. First thought: him! He’ll keep me warm! Sure, he’s likely larger than you, stronger than you, and perhaps by default he gives off more body heat than you, but he’s not a sweater. He’s not a scarf, and while he may drape his arm around you, he is not your blanket.

The Bad: I Don’t Need A Wallet
Yes you do, homegirl. Despite a man’s inherit want to make us feel financially secure, you should always have your own funds. Aside from being independent in this way, you’ll make him feel special when you sneakily pay for the bill (even if he pretends he’s upset about it).

The Good: Sugar Daddy Day!
It’s my favorite holiday! The best part about it – it can happen any time I/he wants! Sugar Daddy Day! What a treat! Sorry, too excited and forgot to explain: Sugar Daddy Day (SDD) is a day where your man pretends he has trillions of dollars and treats you to everything and anything you want. I know, I know. I just said don’t forget your wallet, but sometimes a lady needs a treat. Besides, let’s not front, there is something sexy about a man who can take care of you monetarily.

The Good: Missing Him
This one is bittersweet. It’s a total whirlwind when you meet someone you miss when he’s not around. It’s slightly painful, but at the same time, it’s a good indicator that the person you are dating is good to have around. The minute he leaves and your hand reaches for the spot where he just was, you know you’re in deep. But what’s even better? Knowing he’s missing you too.

Xx,
M

The Anatomy of a Date

I recently found myself on a date for the first time in a while with someone completely random and new. I was so excited, and so nervous. And along the way I learned two important things: men love a damsel in distress, and dating is a multi-step process:

The Set Up
I was struggling with a box almost as tall as my 5’8″ self on the corner of Broadway & Houston when a man (a knight in shining armor) asked me if I needed help. “I’m trying to get a cab” I squeaked. I’d been trying for over 30 minutes and was exhausted. He nodded, hailed me a Gypsy cab, negotiated the rate, put my box in the trunk and said “i cant let you go without knowing your name and number.” I coyly smiled and on the ride home, he set up a date. Straight forward, to the point, I was hooked.

The Awkward Second Greeting
To me, the second greeting feels like the first hello. You likely met at night, or in passing, or you were so thrilled you didn’t take a full inventory of a face. This, my friends, is my fear. We chose to meet at the venue, and as I found my way to the location (because GoogleMaps is like my best girlfriend), he spotted me first and and I pretended to search for building numbers to buy myself (and my nerves) some time.

The Nervous First Words and the First Sip of Wine
We embraced in a friendly hug (what else was I supposed to do? Shake his hand?) and he stumbled over a few words. Something along the lines of “yesI’vebeenhereneveronce”. Huh? And then: “shouldwesitandeatoreatorsit?” Welp. We sat, we ordered, and after a few sips of wine we each eased into conversation. My nervousness drifted away because he was nervous enough for the both of us. And it was within this moment that I had the re-realization that dates are fun. Getting to know people is fun, regardless of what it turns into later.

The Sad Goodbye
While sharing a cozy table with my date, I willed for myself to find something about him I couldn’t live without. It was during this time, that I was trying to force chemistry, that I learned something very valuable: the moment your date starts to sound like a character in Charlie Brown, its time to go home.


I like to blame my reaction to this date on my only child status but 3 hours later, I found myself desperate for 2 things: (1) the restroom (2) some quiet time. My anxiousness to leave made me fidgety and when I told him I had to meet a girl friend (always have an out, ladies), you’d think I’d punched him in the heart.

The Follow Up
There is no better feeling that receiving a text about how great a time your date had. Despite how I felt about him, it felt great knowing I’m a fun, exciting, and beautiful date (his words, not mine… and also, duh). Along these lines, there is also the fact that as humans, we are constantly in search of closure. I know first hand (as we all do) that there is nothing more frustrating that the evaporating mate. So instead of letting his texts go unanswered, I let him know I had a great time too, but we’d be better off as friends.

How about you? Did you encounter many of the same elements on a recent date? Any important steps I’m missing? Leave a comment and let me know!

The End of the Nice Girl

Women, I think we need some guidance.

It seems the reign of the nice girl is over and I am (fortunately or unfortunately) a nice girl (well… sometimes). I came to this realization after hearing Tionna Smalls on my favorite morning show, The Breakfast Club on Power 105.1. Repping her new book, Men Love Abuse, she outlines how women can lose the “nice girl” image to get the man of their dreams.

An Amazon.com search for her “pocketbook” lead to tons of other titles detailing the ways to make men love you and while trying to survive in the dating world. All of them circle around being, for lack of a better word, a bitch.

No joke: here are a few titles to get your wheels turning:

So, is bitch the new black?

I suppose it is, because as I look at the women in my life, and notice that the ones who occasionally treat their men like crap are the ones who are in thriving relationships. Food for thought, I suppose.

What do your think?
Women: are you a nice girl or a bitch?
Men: is there space for a nice girl in your life or do you prefer a mean girl?

Let them eat CAKE?

On February 20th, a number of ground breaking things happened: it was
President’s Day (I still had to work), Bethenney Getting Married? premiered, Basketball Wives started their new season, Rihanna turned 24 and she and Chris Brown released remix songs with each other featured.

I personally think this is a big deal, given the history of Rihanna and CB. Ouch. In case you forgot, in 2009, Chris Brown and Rihanna were in a relationship that ended in a horrendous beating. Photos were released of her injuries and Brown was momentarily shunned. It’s hard for people to forget, at this year’s GRAMMY Awards, Brown lip-synched a performance to virtual silence. In my section, there were no applause at all (womp) because I don’t think all of America is ready to forgive his blatant disconcern for being a role model to young men.

What’s worse, following his performance, women all over the internet started tweeting about how Chris Brown could beat them any day. Really? Is it real life?

I suppose in the end it’s a personal preference. It’s not easy for me to forgive and forget, especially when the pain in those photos was so palpable. That said, I will listen to She Ain’t You on repeat because that’s my song (oops).

However, I think it says something pretty powerful that Rihanna released the remix to Birthday CAKE on her birthday featuring the collaboration with Chris Brown. As a musician, that’s a hell of a way to show someone is forgiven.

Shortly followed by Brown’s remix to Turn Up the Music (which is a yawn of a song in my opinion).

Regardless of the circumstances, I personally find it in poor taste for these songs to have been released (especially when the original Birthday Cake trumps the remix). With the number of young and impressionable fans that follow Rihanna and Brown, I think they should be creating responsible characters. Instead, it seems they are lessening the severity of the situation (where, just to be clear, the man she is collaborating with made her look like this). Now, if it’s all for press, then they’ve done a hell of a job in making headlines.

What do you think? Is it okay for Rihanna & Chris Brown to reunite through music? What would you do in this situation? 

xo,
Maiah

Saying Yes to the Dress

It is my personal belief that every woman is secretly thrilled when the stars align and she can spend Friday night at home with a bottle of wine and Say Yes to the Dress. Now come on, I know you do it. You know I do it. So, let’s all embrace the goodness that is Randy, Sarah, Keisha, and Eyebrows.

This past weekend, I had the ultimate pleasure of meeting my closest girlfriends on 20th Street. Two out of our group of six are engaged and we thought it would be a great idea to make the first stop Kleinfelds Bridal. It was: there were tears and laughter (the sign of a well rounded day). I might have even classified it as perfect, except moving forward, one appointment at a time, ladies. I was completely overwhelmed between the dresses, the super nice staff, and their army of interns.

Following our Kleinfelds visit, we went to dinner to debrief and I realized something: “I don’t think I could try on any dresses without my mother” I said, thinking of the extended mother-daughter shopping excursions (dubbed “fieldwork”) I can’t live without. “I would need her eyes on everything.”

As our conversation went in circles about what was necessary and what wasn’t, I realized that I would also absolutely need my Dad’s final nod on the dress he walks me down the aisle in. “You don’t want to surprise him on the big day?” Allie asked.

I considered this, but as I thought through every big decision I’ve made so far, be it college, my jobs, my move to NYC, I realized that each has been punctuated by my Dad’s final seal of approval. ”No, I don’t want to surprise him, I want him to give me the Dad-nod. I’ll save the surprise for my future husband.”

What about you? Would you/did you bring your parents? Could you do it without them?

The Generational Shift

It was a Tuesday night when I met up with a girl friend with every intention to go to a party thrown by my idol, Demetria Lucas. However, her recent (and well deserved) rise in popularity resulted in an over-capacity event and a overwhelmed bouncer.

We walked along the Lower East Side, looking for a nice place to grab a drink, letting the lights from the Empire State Building guide our footsteps. Our conversation bounced back and forth between topics: career, men, family, friends, and that wild Saturday night that left us all in shambles. We settled in at La Linea, a dark little dive that plays great music, enjoyed $4 Blue Moons and great conversation.

It was in La Linea that I realized how much priorities shift as each generation goes through the motions of life. My grandmother left her southern home and boarded a bus to Boston for a man who promised he would be her husband. Her focus was him (and eventually their children), and she did everything she could to ensure her safe arrival in Boston. Nanny was no fool, she had back-up accommodations at the Y and a job waiting to ensure her own funds, but she moved for him.

My mother learned independence from my grandmother. She spent her years after college with a focus on higher education and job success. When she met my father, her intentions were not to find her husband. She met him randomly and was open to the idea of a date. When he took her to the movies, my mother insisted they use her free movie vouchers – nothing standard about her.

What I’ve learned from them is to always have a back up plan, and to always strive for success; the rest will fall into place. As a result, I am clearly my grandmother’s grandchild. I am obviously my mother’s daughter. I am not your “normal” twenty-something woman (whatever that may be).

So for me, the fact that I am 26 and single is not “awkward” or “unfortunate” and I certainly don’t find it “unusual” as generations before me might. My focus is on keeping a job, keeping a home (read: rented apartment in NY), and keeping my friends near. My focus isn’t on creating a home… my focus is on creating my financial legacy (and apparently listening to Independent Women pt. 1 by Destiny’s Child).

Does that make me more like my male counterparts in some ways? To spend more time building a steady cushion while enjoying being a twenty-something prior to redirecting my attention to the rest? As my girl and I discussed this, I couldn’t help but wonder, where does it level out? Where do we, the Generation Y kids, submit to the same urge the generations before us have?

Xx, Maiah