Tagged: Relationships

On Learning When To Shut Up

I write this on my iPhone as I careen down the subway tracks in a Q express train. My brow has been furrowed since yesterday morning and my forehead hurts. I shared something personal that made my heart swell (Grinch-style) and the reaction I was given was less than desirable.

I couldn’t figure out where things took a turn. A conversation strictly about love became (in my opinion) an ugly exchange of words, which shocked me because I love love. In discussing it with my mother (my rock) she inferred that perhaps most things (all things) are better left unsaid…

“No one even knows your name at my job, and your father is strictly Mr. Johnson.” When I started to ask why she simply said: “I don’t want them to Google you,” with what sounded like a smile.

The morning after our chat, I still can’t help but wonder: when it comes to matters of the heart, is any sharing over-sharing?

The thing is – I love to share. Sharing adds an incredibly personal touch to an interaction and that’s important to me. This is both a good and bad quality: things I may share in confidence are often telephoned far more than I am aware.

And in no way am I meaning to sound self-important, trust me on that. But as I grow older (and part my hair in a way that glorifies my single gray strand), I’ve begun to learn that spreading gossip is exciting at any age, no matter how boring the subject is. That’s why my mother bites her tongue at work. I’ve also learned that it’s not easy for everyone to enjoy your happiness. And that’s okay too because we never know what someone is going through.

So, as I continue to better myself in 2013, I’m going to learn how to button it up, to reel it in, and to better cherish my moments in a personal way.

What about you? Do you share or is mum the word on personal things in and out of the workplace?

I Love to Watch You Leave

love is the new blackIt was under the haze of a few beers and the glow of the grill that my boyfriend and I shared a private kiss at a house party last summer. We had escaped to the patio for a little quiet, and a little smoochin’. When I turned to go back inside, he said “I hate to see you go, but I love to watch you leave.”

“Okay, ya creep!” I called out as I sashayed through the door with a wink.

It wasn’t until months later, when I accidentally caught a (semi) private moment between a couple on the N train, that I understood what he meant. The couple shared a joke, a kiss goodbye, and as she left, this woman’s boyfriend watched her walk of the train, and kept his eyes on her until she was past his line of vision. His face was calm, soft, and there was a slight trace of a smile through the corners of his mouth. He really did love to watch her leave.

It got me thinking about this moment in other instances of life. I have vivid memories of being dropped off by parents, a friend, or an old boyfriend at various locations. Without fail, I’d hear: “I’ll wait here to make sure you get in safe”, no matter the time of day. When driving myself, my parents still walk me out to my car and wave their goodbyes until I’m beyond their sight. And when you put the idea of “watching you leave” like that… well, I suppose there’s comfort in the idea that someone loves to watch me reach my next destination. And, as someone who gives herself completely, it’s important for me to be able to return that gesture.

What about you – do you have someone you love to watch leave?

Labels of Luxury & Labels of Love

My mother recently gifted me the most incredible collection of Coach bags. They’re lovely and worn from her running around town in her 30′s & 40′s, collecting bags she assumed would be classic in years to come. When I told her these bags were being re-released in a Legacy Collection, she frowned. “I wore these at your age! This is the real deal, my little cookie cutter”*

Most of the label hangtags from her bags are missing. I imagine because she wore the bag to wear it, not to flaunt it. Often, when I wear them, I long for the classic leather label to dangle off the side. It’s a symbol of authenticity, regardless if it’s small size. It says to me: this right here? This is the real deal.

It’s funny, the emphasis I put on material labels, and the leniency I used to practice when it came to relationship labels. I used to pretend I wasn’t bothered by a man’s hesitation to “wife me up.” Through a strained smile I’d say things like “he’s a nice guy,” or “he’d never intentionally hurt me.” I’d go months in these situationships thinking patience and good behavior would win in the end and I’d be asked the 3 little words I longed to hear: wanna go steady. Even in a recent episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta, the women gave advice to poor Kenya (who wants nothing but a ring) to be patient, not-uppity, and that he’d come around.

For me, it took the brutal honesty of a girlfriend to bring me to tears at brunch (I’d like to blame it on the bellinis) to shape up, and realize that for me, labels of love are just as important as labels of luxury.

endings present new beginnings

My boyfriend spent Christmas in Weston with my family. The older generations introduced him to order family members as “Maiah’s friend.” I often found myself fighting the urge to correct them. Boyfriend. My boyfriend. But when my grandmother said, “I like your fella very much,” I knew I didn’t have to. “You look at him like you look at the world” my mother said before we left for 2 nights in Boston, just the two of us. The way I imagine my mother looks at my father. The real deal.

*Mom’s nicknames are different daily. Cookie cutter one day, buttercup or cupcake the next.

Having A Man In Your Life: The Best & The Worst

Girls are stupid. If we don’t know this yet then I’d like to publicly declare: girls are dumb (so are boys but that’s not the point of this post).
girls are stupid As women, our lives completely change based on the inclusion of a special someone. There are good changes, and horrendous ones – and as women, all we can do is go with the flow because it’s completely beyond our control.

Here are a few of my favorites (and least favorites):

The Bad: Thinking He’ll Keep You Warm
We walk around the city in the smallest outfits, without something to keep us warm. First thought: him! He’ll keep me warm! Sure, he’s likely larger than you, stronger than you, and perhaps by default he gives off more body heat than you, but he’s not a sweater. He’s not a scarf, and while he may drape his arm around you, he is not your blanket.

The Bad: I Don’t Need A Wallet
Yes you do, homegirl. Despite a man’s inherit want to make us feel financially secure, you should always have your own funds. Aside from being independent in this way, you’ll make him feel special when you sneakily pay for the bill (even if he pretends he’s upset about it).

The Good: Sugar Daddy Day!
It’s my favorite holiday! The best part about it – it can happen any time I/he wants! Sugar Daddy Day! What a treat! Sorry, too excited and forgot to explain: Sugar Daddy Day (SDD) is a day where your man pretends he has trillions of dollars and treats you to everything and anything you want. I know, I know. I just said don’t forget your wallet, but sometimes a lady needs a treat. Besides, let’s not front, there is something sexy about a man who can take care of you monetarily.

The Good: Missing Him
This one is bittersweet. It’s a total whirlwind when you meet someone you miss when he’s not around. It’s slightly painful, but at the same time, it’s a good indicator that the person you are dating is good to have around. The minute he leaves and your hand reaches for the spot where he just was, you know you’re in deep. But what’s even better? Knowing he’s missing you too.

Xx,
M

Mine

This weekend I attended the wedding of my Martha’s Vineyard brother, Owen, and my new Martha’s Vineyard sister-in-law, Erica. I’ve been looking forward to their wedding all year, especially having grown up with Owen, and knowing what a special person Erica must be to have captured his heart.

The thing I loved most about this weekend of love (besides the lobster rolls and sea air) was the intimacy and honesty throughout. Between the love, the romance, the shared secrets, and the jubilation , I was over the moon. Here are 3 things I took away from the weekend of #OwenLovesErica.

You Are My Business
We all practice being strong and independent but at the end of the day, it’s comforting to have someone looking out for your well being. I suppose it makes me old fashioned to want to belong to someone, and want someone to belong to me. I was surrounded by these long loves on the Vineyard this weekend that served as inspiration. My mother’s friend and her husband have been married for 43 years and danced the night away like they were my age. The next day at breakfast, the husband complained of a sore back from too much dancing and his wife suggested he walked around and stretched. He joked “why don’t you mind your own business” and she replied, “you ARE my business.” What a perfect response.

Epic Wedding Bands are for Lovers
The band at this wedding was incredible. If only they’d slipped in a stank face and a singing fist, they would have been invincible. It made me realize, while having a DJ is fun, there’s nothing like a wedding band going H.A.M. on Jay-Z’s Empire State of Mind.

Vows Are Meant To Be Personal
I used to want to say the same words every other couple is prompted to say at their wedding. And then I went to Owen and Erica’s. Your relationship is personal, it’s unique and exciting, and the people at your wedding want to see that. Personal vows help us catch a glimpse of your inner workings (ahem, “Boom boom”) and helps us see why you work as a pair.

The Anatomy of a Date

I recently found myself on a date for the first time in a while with someone completely random and new. I was so excited, and so nervous. And along the way I learned two important things: men love a damsel in distress, and dating is a multi-step process:

The Set Up
I was struggling with a box almost as tall as my 5’8″ self on the corner of Broadway & Houston when a man (a knight in shining armor) asked me if I needed help. “I’m trying to get a cab” I squeaked. I’d been trying for over 30 minutes and was exhausted. He nodded, hailed me a Gypsy cab, negotiated the rate, put my box in the trunk and said “i cant let you go without knowing your name and number.” I coyly smiled and on the ride home, he set up a date. Straight forward, to the point, I was hooked.

The Awkward Second Greeting
To me, the second greeting feels like the first hello. You likely met at night, or in passing, or you were so thrilled you didn’t take a full inventory of a face. This, my friends, is my fear. We chose to meet at the venue, and as I found my way to the location (because GoogleMaps is like my best girlfriend), he spotted me first and and I pretended to search for building numbers to buy myself (and my nerves) some time.

The Nervous First Words and the First Sip of Wine
We embraced in a friendly hug (what else was I supposed to do? Shake his hand?) and he stumbled over a few words. Something along the lines of “yesI’vebeenhereneveronce”. Huh? And then: “shouldwesitandeatoreatorsit?” Welp. We sat, we ordered, and after a few sips of wine we each eased into conversation. My nervousness drifted away because he was nervous enough for the both of us. And it was within this moment that I had the re-realization that dates are fun. Getting to know people is fun, regardless of what it turns into later.

The Sad Goodbye
While sharing a cozy table with my date, I willed for myself to find something about him I couldn’t live without. It was during this time, that I was trying to force chemistry, that I learned something very valuable: the moment your date starts to sound like a character in Charlie Brown, its time to go home.


I like to blame my reaction to this date on my only child status but 3 hours later, I found myself desperate for 2 things: (1) the restroom (2) some quiet time. My anxiousness to leave made me fidgety and when I told him I had to meet a girl friend (always have an out, ladies), you’d think I’d punched him in the heart.

The Follow Up
There is no better feeling that receiving a text about how great a time your date had. Despite how I felt about him, it felt great knowing I’m a fun, exciting, and beautiful date (his words, not mine… and also, duh). Along these lines, there is also the fact that as humans, we are constantly in search of closure. I know first hand (as we all do) that there is nothing more frustrating that the evaporating mate. So instead of letting his texts go unanswered, I let him know I had a great time too, but we’d be better off as friends.

How about you? Did you encounter many of the same elements on a recent date? Any important steps I’m missing? Leave a comment and let me know!

Let them eat CAKE?

On February 20th, a number of ground breaking things happened: it was
President’s Day (I still had to work), Bethenney Getting Married? premiered, Basketball Wives started their new season, Rihanna turned 24 and she and Chris Brown released remix songs with each other featured.

I personally think this is a big deal, given the history of Rihanna and CB. Ouch. In case you forgot, in 2009, Chris Brown and Rihanna were in a relationship that ended in a horrendous beating. Photos were released of her injuries and Brown was momentarily shunned. It’s hard for people to forget, at this year’s GRAMMY Awards, Brown lip-synched a performance to virtual silence. In my section, there were no applause at all (womp) because I don’t think all of America is ready to forgive his blatant disconcern for being a role model to young men.

What’s worse, following his performance, women all over the internet started tweeting about how Chris Brown could beat them any day. Really? Is it real life?

I suppose in the end it’s a personal preference. It’s not easy for me to forgive and forget, especially when the pain in those photos was so palpable. That said, I will listen to She Ain’t You on repeat because that’s my song (oops).

However, I think it says something pretty powerful that Rihanna released the remix to Birthday CAKE on her birthday featuring the collaboration with Chris Brown. As a musician, that’s a hell of a way to show someone is forgiven.

Shortly followed by Brown’s remix to Turn Up the Music (which is a yawn of a song in my opinion).

Regardless of the circumstances, I personally find it in poor taste for these songs to have been released (especially when the original Birthday Cake trumps the remix). With the number of young and impressionable fans that follow Rihanna and Brown, I think they should be creating responsible characters. Instead, it seems they are lessening the severity of the situation (where, just to be clear, the man she is collaborating with made her look like this). Now, if it’s all for press, then they’ve done a hell of a job in making headlines.

What do you think? Is it okay for Rihanna & Chris Brown to reunite through music? What would you do in this situation? 

xo,
Maiah

Saying Yes to the Dress

It is my personal belief that every woman is secretly thrilled when the stars align and she can spend Friday night at home with a bottle of wine and Say Yes to the Dress. Now come on, I know you do it. You know I do it. So, let’s all embrace the goodness that is Randy, Sarah, Keisha, and Eyebrows.

This past weekend, I had the ultimate pleasure of meeting my closest girlfriends on 20th Street. Two out of our group of six are engaged and we thought it would be a great idea to make the first stop Kleinfelds Bridal. It was: there were tears and laughter (the sign of a well rounded day). I might have even classified it as perfect, except moving forward, one appointment at a time, ladies. I was completely overwhelmed between the dresses, the super nice staff, and their army of interns.

Following our Kleinfelds visit, we went to dinner to debrief and I realized something: “I don’t think I could try on any dresses without my mother” I said, thinking of the extended mother-daughter shopping excursions (dubbed “fieldwork”) I can’t live without. “I would need her eyes on everything.”

As our conversation went in circles about what was necessary and what wasn’t, I realized that I would also absolutely need my Dad’s final nod on the dress he walks me down the aisle in. “You don’t want to surprise him on the big day?” Allie asked.

I considered this, but as I thought through every big decision I’ve made so far, be it college, my jobs, my move to NYC, I realized that each has been punctuated by my Dad’s final seal of approval. ”No, I don’t want to surprise him, I want him to give me the Dad-nod. I’ll save the surprise for my future husband.”

What about you? Would you/did you bring your parents? Could you do it without them?

The Generational Shift

It was a Tuesday night when I met up with a girl friend with every intention to go to a party thrown by my idol, Demetria Lucas. However, her recent (and well deserved) rise in popularity resulted in an over-capacity event and a overwhelmed bouncer.

We walked along the Lower East Side, looking for a nice place to grab a drink, letting the lights from the Empire State Building guide our footsteps. Our conversation bounced back and forth between topics: career, men, family, friends, and that wild Saturday night that left us all in shambles. We settled in at La Linea, a dark little dive that plays great music, enjoyed $4 Blue Moons and great conversation.

It was in La Linea that I realized how much priorities shift as each generation goes through the motions of life. My grandmother left her southern home and boarded a bus to Boston for a man who promised he would be her husband. Her focus was him (and eventually their children), and she did everything she could to ensure her safe arrival in Boston. Nanny was no fool, she had back-up accommodations at the Y and a job waiting to ensure her own funds, but she moved for him.

My mother learned independence from my grandmother. She spent her years after college with a focus on higher education and job success. When she met my father, her intentions were not to find her husband. She met him randomly and was open to the idea of a date. When he took her to the movies, my mother insisted they use her free movie vouchers – nothing standard about her.

What I’ve learned from them is to always have a back up plan, and to always strive for success; the rest will fall into place. As a result, I am clearly my grandmother’s grandchild. I am obviously my mother’s daughter. I am not your “normal” twenty-something woman (whatever that may be).

So for me, the fact that I am 26 and single is not “awkward” or “unfortunate” and I certainly don’t find it “unusual” as generations before me might. My focus is on keeping a job, keeping a home (read: rented apartment in NY), and keeping my friends near. My focus isn’t on creating a home… my focus is on creating my financial legacy (and apparently listening to Independent Women pt. 1 by Destiny’s Child).

Does that make me more like my male counterparts in some ways? To spend more time building a steady cushion while enjoying being a twenty-something prior to redirecting my attention to the rest? As my girl and I discussed this, I couldn’t help but wonder, where does it level out? Where do we, the Generation Y kids, submit to the same urge the generations before us have?

Xx, Maiah

The Female Internal Struggle

Over drinks with my friend and fellow writer, Larissa of The Ella Project, it came to my attention that the female internal struggle is really real. Like, really real.

The struggle is nothing new. I think women everywhere of every age are slowly trying to get through it – and failing miserably. It’s not our fault. Really, it’s not. There are just three levels to this struggle and though they seemingly go hand in hand, each are equally difficult to understand.

Personally, it’s taken me a while to flesh out the three levels of the struggle (I’m still working through it at 26). I’m convinced that, like anything else, discovering and admitting the problem is the first step. Everything should get easier from there, right?

Struggle Number One: The Female Desire To Be Wanted
There is nothing women want more than to be wanted. It infiltrates our every move. From the sashay down the block to the shy smile we give the cash rep at Duane Read, we do everything in our power to be conceived as sexy and thus wanted by men. It’s in how we dress: why do you think yoga pants are a girl’s best friend? Comfort with a little emphasis on the booty. It’s in the makeup we hardly ever take off: why is Kim Kardashian on her show in the bathtub in a full face of makeup? It’s in the little two step we’ve practiced in the mirror and in the new wink I’ve been practicing on MTA conductors.* Women just want to be wanted and we’ll do almost anything to make that happen.

Struggle Number Two: The Female Desire To Hold On To Any and All Attention
The downside to wanting to be wanted so badly is that we come to rely on attention. Regardless of the quality, we will hold on for dear life when someone returns all of our foolishness with a smile, or a hug, or even a kiss. We forego common sense and begin to lose ourselves in an inappropriate relationship. Our friends begin to get annoyed with us and we start to hear “why are you doing this to yourself” more than we hear “I love seeing you this happy”. You get side eyes more than genuine smiles. But despite this, the desire to keep the attention overrules how your life is changing in a negative way.

Struggle Number Three: Learning To Want What You Deserve
You usually broach this lesson with someone telling you about yourself. It’s usually one of your protective male friends (or in my case, being double teamed by two of your favorites). They’ll tell you how great and how stupid you are at the same time. They might hug you but more than likely this will be over drinks so they’ll give you a shot and you’ll drunkenly cheers to learning your greatness and figuring out what you deserve. While this is all very helpful, the hardest part is putting into motion the action of wanting what you now know you deserve. I never said it was easy, but it’s absolutely necessary.

So ladies, where are you in this process? Did you bypass it completely? Are you still wanting to be wanted? Let me know if this struggle is real for anyone but me.

Editor’s notes:
*Learning how to wink? MTA conductors are the perfect targets because they’re usually driving by too quickly to care if your wink is a fail. But when your wink works, their genuine surprise and quick snap of the neck is great reassurance that you’re on your way to being a winking machine. (Just to be clear: I’m really quite serious and I practice this way all the time.)

Xo, M