Tagged: Women

Having A Man In Your Life: The Best & The Worst

Girls are stupid. If we don’t know this yet then I’d like to publicly declare: girls are dumb (so are boys but that’s not the point of this post).
girls are stupid As women, our lives completely change based on the inclusion of a special someone. There are good changes, and horrendous ones – and as women, all we can do is go with the flow because it’s completely beyond our control.

Here are a few of my favorites (and least favorites):

The Bad: Thinking He’ll Keep You Warm
We walk around the city in the smallest outfits, without something to keep us warm. First thought: him! He’ll keep me warm! Sure, he’s likely larger than you, stronger than you, and perhaps by default he gives off more body heat than you, but he’s not a sweater. He’s not a scarf, and while he may drape his arm around you, he is not your blanket.

The Bad: I Don’t Need A Wallet
Yes you do, homegirl. Despite a man’s inherit want to make us feel financially secure, you should always have your own funds. Aside from being independent in this way, you’ll make him feel special when you sneakily pay for the bill (even if he pretends he’s upset about it).

The Good: Sugar Daddy Day!
It’s my favorite holiday! The best part about it – it can happen any time I/he wants! Sugar Daddy Day! What a treat! Sorry, too excited and forgot to explain: Sugar Daddy Day (SDD) is a day where your man pretends he has trillions of dollars and treats you to everything and anything you want. I know, I know. I just said don’t forget your wallet, but sometimes a lady needs a treat. Besides, let’s not front, there is something sexy about a man who can take care of you monetarily.

The Good: Missing Him
This one is bittersweet. It’s a total whirlwind when you meet someone you miss when he’s not around. It’s slightly painful, but at the same time, it’s a good indicator that the person you are dating is good to have around. The minute he leaves and your hand reaches for the spot where he just was, you know you’re in deep. But what’s even better? Knowing he’s missing you too.

Xx,
M

The Anatomy of a Date

I recently found myself on a date for the first time in a while with someone completely random and new. I was so excited, and so nervous. And along the way I learned two important things: men love a damsel in distress, and dating is a multi-step process:

The Set Up
I was struggling with a box almost as tall as my 5’8″ self on the corner of Broadway & Houston when a man (a knight in shining armor) asked me if I needed help. “I’m trying to get a cab” I squeaked. I’d been trying for over 30 minutes and was exhausted. He nodded, hailed me a Gypsy cab, negotiated the rate, put my box in the trunk and said “i cant let you go without knowing your name and number.” I coyly smiled and on the ride home, he set up a date. Straight forward, to the point, I was hooked.

The Awkward Second Greeting
To me, the second greeting feels like the first hello. You likely met at night, or in passing, or you were so thrilled you didn’t take a full inventory of a face. This, my friends, is my fear. We chose to meet at the venue, and as I found my way to the location (because GoogleMaps is like my best girlfriend), he spotted me first and and I pretended to search for building numbers to buy myself (and my nerves) some time.

The Nervous First Words and the First Sip of Wine
We embraced in a friendly hug (what else was I supposed to do? Shake his hand?) and he stumbled over a few words. Something along the lines of “yesI’vebeenhereneveronce”. Huh? And then: “shouldwesitandeatoreatorsit?” Welp. We sat, we ordered, and after a few sips of wine we each eased into conversation. My nervousness drifted away because he was nervous enough for the both of us. And it was within this moment that I had the re-realization that dates are fun. Getting to know people is fun, regardless of what it turns into later.

The Sad Goodbye
While sharing a cozy table with my date, I willed for myself to find something about him I couldn’t live without. It was during this time, that I was trying to force chemistry, that I learned something very valuable: the moment your date starts to sound like a character in Charlie Brown, its time to go home.


I like to blame my reaction to this date on my only child status but 3 hours later, I found myself desperate for 2 things: (1) the restroom (2) some quiet time. My anxiousness to leave made me fidgety and when I told him I had to meet a girl friend (always have an out, ladies), you’d think I’d punched him in the heart.

The Follow Up
There is no better feeling that receiving a text about how great a time your date had. Despite how I felt about him, it felt great knowing I’m a fun, exciting, and beautiful date (his words, not mine… and also, duh). Along these lines, there is also the fact that as humans, we are constantly in search of closure. I know first hand (as we all do) that there is nothing more frustrating that the evaporating mate. So instead of letting his texts go unanswered, I let him know I had a great time too, but we’d be better off as friends.

How about you? Did you encounter many of the same elements on a recent date? Any important steps I’m missing? Leave a comment and let me know!

An Open Letter to Viola Davis

Prompted by a late Saturday night conversation with a great group of weirdos friends, I had to write a little letter to my new girlfriend, Viola Davis.

Dear Ms. Davis,

I started this letter “Dear Ms. Davis” to be polite because that’s how I was raised. If this were in church, I’d have called you “Aunt Viola” because that’s what we do at Myrtle. But to be very honest, I’d like to stick to Viola because in my head we’re on a first name basis as I have loved you since Eat, Pray, Love, since Doubt, and since Medea Goes to Jail, Law & Order, Nights in Rodanthe, and Antowne Fisher.

I’ve watched you flourish on screen but also in real life, marrying what seems to be a stunning example of a man in actor Julius Tennon. And then adopting a child, a blessing I have been honored with (as an adopted daughter into a perfectly imperfect family) and am a huge advocate for.

I have seen you go through the motions of hair and honey, you wear a wig well, but you also wear your natural self even better. I was thrilled at the prospect of a chocolate skinned woman accepting an Oscar as her whole and complete natural self. Please don’t ever stop that.

And while you didn’t win, I believe being nominated in a category with Meryl and Glen is an overwhelming indication of the league you are in. I hope you are incredibly proud.

In fact, I know you are and I love you for your honesty. A new friend sent me this video of you on Tavis Smiley, speaking some real truths:

Watch Actresses Viola Davis & Octavia Spencer on PBS. See more from Tavis Smiley.

So, I love you for honestly declaring that you’re doing your best – as far as Hollywood will let you go. And while some are hard on you for playing a maid, please know that others are thanking you and Octavia for blazing the trail. You give us beauty within your craft of acting, but you also give us hope that one day a black woman will be accepting an Oscar for playing a “white” role. That kind of hope is invaluable.

So, Viola – just know I support you, girl, and your every fucking move. And I apologize for the cursing but I wanted to be clear that my support is impassioned.

 XOVOYOLO (kidding)

With so much love,
Maiah Alyse Johnson

The End of the Nice Girl

Women, I think we need some guidance.

It seems the reign of the nice girl is over and I am (fortunately or unfortunately) a nice girl (well… sometimes). I came to this realization after hearing Tionna Smalls on my favorite morning show, The Breakfast Club on Power 105.1. Repping her new book, Men Love Abuse, she outlines how women can lose the “nice girl” image to get the man of their dreams.

An Amazon.com search for her “pocketbook” lead to tons of other titles detailing the ways to make men love you and while trying to survive in the dating world. All of them circle around being, for lack of a better word, a bitch.

No joke: here are a few titles to get your wheels turning:

So, is bitch the new black?

I suppose it is, because as I look at the women in my life, and notice that the ones who occasionally treat their men like crap are the ones who are in thriving relationships. Food for thought, I suppose.

What do your think?
Women: are you a nice girl or a bitch?
Men: is there space for a nice girl in your life or do you prefer a mean girl?

Let them eat CAKE?

On February 20th, a number of ground breaking things happened: it was
President’s Day (I still had to work), Bethenney Getting Married? premiered, Basketball Wives started their new season, Rihanna turned 24 and she and Chris Brown released remix songs with each other featured.

I personally think this is a big deal, given the history of Rihanna and CB. Ouch. In case you forgot, in 2009, Chris Brown and Rihanna were in a relationship that ended in a horrendous beating. Photos were released of her injuries and Brown was momentarily shunned. It’s hard for people to forget, at this year’s GRAMMY Awards, Brown lip-synched a performance to virtual silence. In my section, there were no applause at all (womp) because I don’t think all of America is ready to forgive his blatant disconcern for being a role model to young men.

What’s worse, following his performance, women all over the internet started tweeting about how Chris Brown could beat them any day. Really? Is it real life?

I suppose in the end it’s a personal preference. It’s not easy for me to forgive and forget, especially when the pain in those photos was so palpable. That said, I will listen to She Ain’t You on repeat because that’s my song (oops).

However, I think it says something pretty powerful that Rihanna released the remix to Birthday CAKE on her birthday featuring the collaboration with Chris Brown. As a musician, that’s a hell of a way to show someone is forgiven.

Shortly followed by Brown’s remix to Turn Up the Music (which is a yawn of a song in my opinion).

Regardless of the circumstances, I personally find it in poor taste for these songs to have been released (especially when the original Birthday Cake trumps the remix). With the number of young and impressionable fans that follow Rihanna and Brown, I think they should be creating responsible characters. Instead, it seems they are lessening the severity of the situation (where, just to be clear, the man she is collaborating with made her look like this). Now, if it’s all for press, then they’ve done a hell of a job in making headlines.

What do you think? Is it okay for Rihanna & Chris Brown to reunite through music? What would you do in this situation? 

xo,
Maiah

Saying Yes to the Dress

It is my personal belief that every woman is secretly thrilled when the stars align and she can spend Friday night at home with a bottle of wine and Say Yes to the Dress. Now come on, I know you do it. You know I do it. So, let’s all embrace the goodness that is Randy, Sarah, Keisha, and Eyebrows.

This past weekend, I had the ultimate pleasure of meeting my closest girlfriends on 20th Street. Two out of our group of six are engaged and we thought it would be a great idea to make the first stop Kleinfelds Bridal. It was: there were tears and laughter (the sign of a well rounded day). I might have even classified it as perfect, except moving forward, one appointment at a time, ladies. I was completely overwhelmed between the dresses, the super nice staff, and their army of interns.

Following our Kleinfelds visit, we went to dinner to debrief and I realized something: “I don’t think I could try on any dresses without my mother” I said, thinking of the extended mother-daughter shopping excursions (dubbed “fieldwork”) I can’t live without. “I would need her eyes on everything.”

As our conversation went in circles about what was necessary and what wasn’t, I realized that I would also absolutely need my Dad’s final nod on the dress he walks me down the aisle in. “You don’t want to surprise him on the big day?” Allie asked.

I considered this, but as I thought through every big decision I’ve made so far, be it college, my jobs, my move to NYC, I realized that each has been punctuated by my Dad’s final seal of approval. ”No, I don’t want to surprise him, I want him to give me the Dad-nod. I’ll save the surprise for my future husband.”

What about you? Would you/did you bring your parents? Could you do it without them?

Shit People Say

It was early December when the “Shit Girls Say” videos took the internet by storm. I watched along with everyone else, laughing heartily at the videos, finding some similarities within myself as a girl, and gasping every time Juliette Lewis appeared on screen.

Soon after Episode 1, Episodes 2 and 3 were released to similar feedback from those watching. Twitter went cray and online media outlets were recognizing this internet series as something to keep an eye on.

The trend soon exploded, turning into a true internet trend, and then expanding into what I think is interesting social commentary. Following Shit Girls Say, mid to late December brought “Shit Black Girls Say” and “Shit Black Guys Say“, both performed by people of color. There were also videos like “Shit Yogis Say” which solidified the fact that this was more about the trend than anything else. Without question, the inclusion of race brought on charges of insensitive content and, at times, racism.

Personally, I find neither to be true. I think the claims above are due to a still overly sensitive community struggling to find a home in a “post-racist” world. As a true black girl (surprise!), I find the video above to be hysterical. Perhaps because I’m not one to say those things, or because I really adore that man’s wig… Either way, I find the jabs funny, lighthearted, and even honest.

As the trend continued to grow, the most explosive video had yet to be released, coming from the lovely black comedienne,  Franchesca Ramsey. Her video, “Shit White Girls Say… to Black Girls” went live and viral on the same day (1/4/12) and ties everything together in a pretty hilarious piece of social and gender commentary. I don’t know a single white girl that hasn’t said at least one of the sentences in Ramsey’s video. Along these lines, I don’t know a single black girl that hasn’t been the receiver of at least two or more of the lines. The comments on the video range from funny to heartbreaking, but regardless, I adore the video, I think it’s wonderfully directed and properly pokes fun at race, gender, and the black girl struggle.

What’s your take on the video trend of shit people are saying?

The Female Internal Struggle

Over drinks with my friend and fellow writer, Larissa of The Ella Project, it came to my attention that the female internal struggle is really real. Like, really real.

The struggle is nothing new. I think women everywhere of every age are slowly trying to get through it – and failing miserably. It’s not our fault. Really, it’s not. There are just three levels to this struggle and though they seemingly go hand in hand, each are equally difficult to understand.

Personally, it’s taken me a while to flesh out the three levels of the struggle (I’m still working through it at 26). I’m convinced that, like anything else, discovering and admitting the problem is the first step. Everything should get easier from there, right?

Struggle Number One: The Female Desire To Be Wanted
There is nothing women want more than to be wanted. It infiltrates our every move. From the sashay down the block to the shy smile we give the cash rep at Duane Read, we do everything in our power to be conceived as sexy and thus wanted by men. It’s in how we dress: why do you think yoga pants are a girl’s best friend? Comfort with a little emphasis on the booty. It’s in the makeup we hardly ever take off: why is Kim Kardashian on her show in the bathtub in a full face of makeup? It’s in the little two step we’ve practiced in the mirror and in the new wink I’ve been practicing on MTA conductors.* Women just want to be wanted and we’ll do almost anything to make that happen.

Struggle Number Two: The Female Desire To Hold On To Any and All Attention
The downside to wanting to be wanted so badly is that we come to rely on attention. Regardless of the quality, we will hold on for dear life when someone returns all of our foolishness with a smile, or a hug, or even a kiss. We forego common sense and begin to lose ourselves in an inappropriate relationship. Our friends begin to get annoyed with us and we start to hear “why are you doing this to yourself” more than we hear “I love seeing you this happy”. You get side eyes more than genuine smiles. But despite this, the desire to keep the attention overrules how your life is changing in a negative way.

Struggle Number Three: Learning To Want What You Deserve
You usually broach this lesson with someone telling you about yourself. It’s usually one of your protective male friends (or in my case, being double teamed by two of your favorites). They’ll tell you how great and how stupid you are at the same time. They might hug you but more than likely this will be over drinks so they’ll give you a shot and you’ll drunkenly cheers to learning your greatness and figuring out what you deserve. While this is all very helpful, the hardest part is putting into motion the action of wanting what you now know you deserve. I never said it was easy, but it’s absolutely necessary.

So ladies, where are you in this process? Did you bypass it completely? Are you still wanting to be wanted? Let me know if this struggle is real for anyone but me.

Editor’s notes:
*Learning how to wink? MTA conductors are the perfect targets because they’re usually driving by too quickly to care if your wink is a fail. But when your wink works, their genuine surprise and quick snap of the neck is great reassurance that you’re on your way to being a winking machine. (Just to be clear: I’m really quite serious and I practice this way all the time.)

Xo, M

The Cardinal Rules Of Dating

“Oh, you’re waiting on that dude aren’t you?” He said with a smirk, looking me up and down like a fool.

“What? Who?” I said, confused. And annoyed. I didn’t know this man and for some reason he thought he had some sort of insight into my personal life.

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If you don't shut up right now... [via
“You’re waiting on that dude! I can tell. Looking all sad. Peeking at the door every time it opens.” He continued with the same smirk I was dying to reach up and smack off his face. He continued to taunt me for a good 30 minutes until I stood up and walked to the bar for another drink just to get away. He was in a situation with one of my girls who clearly told him all my business (which wasn’t her’s to tell).The thing is, when people enter relationships, the line of appropriateness gets blurry. I know that what I tell my friend is instantly her boyfriend’s new knowledge as well. It’s not right, but it’s okay because most men know to keep that knowledge under wraps until I bring it up myself and then they feign surprise (and maybe tell me about myself a little bit. That’s love).

However, this man from that fateful night at the bar was no one’s significant other. He was just someone’s situation who had been told my business in confidence. And he broke the first cardinal rule of being someone’s “man-thing”. It got me thinking about the rules of dating and since it seems like some people don’t know the rules, I’m going to detail them below:

Maiah’s Top Three Rules of Dating:

3. If You Like it, I Love it.

This rule applies to all kinds of relationships – if you like it, I love it. Dating a dude I secretly hate? Doesn’t matter. If you’re happy, I’m happy. Hate your girlfriend’s best friend? Doesn’t matter. If you like her, I love her. Hate your boyfriend’s favorite shirt? Doesn’t matter. If you like it, I love it. It’s that simple.

2. Remember Gender

I was complaining about a boy to my girl and she once reminded me of the following: ”forgive him, for he is a male, and simple minded.” It solved everything. Later I realized this can’t be just one sided,so clearly the inverse of this would be, “forgive her, for she is a woman, and slightly crazy.” Womp.

1. What Goes In One Ear Goes Right Out The Other

This rule is dedicated to my new friend from above. Don’t forget this one, dude. It’s no joke.

Public Service Announcement: Ladies Beware! Men!

I have been part of a series of texts that I feel the need to share with all the ladies out there. Thanks to my fancy iPhone 4s, I took these lovely screenshots, and then gussied them up in PowerPoint (shh) for your enjoyment.
I should probably give you the backstory. We met at my girl’s second annual Halloween party, where he professed his love within 15 minutes of us meeting. Perhaps I was entertaining the idea that I’d just found 2012′s boyfriend. Despite his constant texts calling me “sweetie”, the glitter and sparkles quickly wore off when I discovered this “single man” was actually taken. So on Saturday night, while fueled by the power of a few vodka sodas, I finally sent him a simple text back: “you calling me sweetie or your girlfriend?” See the rest for yourself:

Now, let’s dissect these texts. Please follow along with the numbers as detailed above and below:
  1. Stop sending me photos like we’re close. I don’t know you, man. 
  2. How many times can you call someone sweetie? In my messages I count over 10 times. That’s more than once a day for an entire week. 
  3. You got caught. Don’t diffuse the truth with an “lol”.
  4. Yes, I have you on Facebook. And your account isn’t private, therefore anything in is public knowledge as supplied by you. As Larissa put it: “people now-a-days don’t realize that anyone can find who you are and what you do. If you’re ballsy enough to put your business out there, then you’re ballsy enough to get called on it.” And besides, who gon’ check me, boo?
  5. Does your girlfriend really do her own thing? Does she know you’re doing yours? Girls aren’t always as “free spirited” as they say.
  6. See ya!

So be careful out there, ladies. It’s a dog eat dog world. If you need help dissecting texts or are in need of an anthem to help you forget the foolishness, you can always turn to me.